期中考试读后续写讲评

My eldest sister Jean had a baby boy when I was only five years old. Baby Mark was cute. I loved the little guy from the moment I first saw him that mid- October day 52 years ago.

Mom and I took the train to California to help Jean get back on her feet.

When it ran it shook until it stopped, usually about a foot too high or too low.

On the second day, Mom and Jean were busy washing

I tried to force the outside doors open but they were shut. I pushed every button several times. Nothing happened.

3个衔接：第一段的首句后，第二段首句的前和后

内心描写：害怕scare, panic；紧张 nervous; 自责 blame oneself;  后悔 regret; 内疚 guilty

增加人物：police, fireman, stranger, worker

情节: 打电话，Mark来营救，

主题句（结尾句）：以后不再坐电梯了，以后要听妈妈的话？

前后呼应:

Version 1

Paragraph 1:

I began to worry as fear attacked my heart. The elevator walls were once fun and interesting, but suddenly they seemed frightening and boring. I was afraid I was going to stuck there for the rest of my life. I tried to cry loudly and shouted for help. When that didn’t bring help, I knelt down on the elevator floor and buried my head in my arms. I had no idea what to do and fears began to come out of my eyes. (76 words)

Paragraph 2:

Then I heard a voice from above. “Are you there? Are you OK?” I was sure it was my eldest sister Jean. “Yes,” I replied hopefully and happily. I knew that I could be saved out of the elevator. She said, “Don’t be afraid. I’m trying to let the elevator run again.” Suddenly the elevator went upward, shaking its way to the next floor, where it stopped once again. The doors opened slowly, and a smiling face appeared in front of me. (85 words)

Version 2

Paragraph 1:

I began to worry as fear attacked my heart. The elevator was small and the walls began to feel like they were closing in on me. Panic started to consume my thoughts as I realized I was trapped. I banged on the doors with all my might, hoping someone would hear my desperate cries for help. But the silence of the empty building only added to my growing fear. Time seemed to stand still as I desperately searched for a way out. (82 words)

Paragraph 2:

Then I heard a voice from above. It was Mum who had been alerted by the sound of my banging. Mum reassured me that help was on the way and urged me to remain calm. Gradually, my fear began to lessen. After what felt like an eternity, I saw the doors being pried open. Relief washed over me as I stepped out of the elevator and into the loving arms of Mum. From that day on, I understood the importance of safety precautions and the value of remaining calm in challenging situations. (85 words) 

Version 3

Paragraph 1:

I began to worry as fear attacked my heart. The elevator was filled with strange silence, and I could hear my own breathing and the sound of my own footsteps echoing off the walls. The doors were shut, and there was no way out. My imagination started to run wild, and I imagined all sorts of terrifying scenarios. I knew I had to find a way to escape before it was too late.  (64 words)

Paragraph 2:

Then I heard a voice from above. "Don't be afraid," Mum said. "I know you're scared, but I'm here to help you. Just stay calm and don't panic." I took a deep breath and tried to steady my nerves. "We need to work together and try pushing the doors open from the outside," Mum suggested. With renewed hope, I followed its advice and pushed the doors open with all my might. To my surprise, the doors opened smoothly. Mom and Jean rushed over to hug me tightly, relieving that I was safe. (85 words)